Have you ever had your heart broke? or worse yet had pieces of it missing because someone captured a part of it so strongly that it goes with them everywhere and they just can't return it? This thief, the one who stole a piece of your heart probably had no intentions of doing so but they just did it. In fact they would probably spend a great deal of time trying to glue it back if they thought they could, the reality is they can't, they will have it with them forever.
I spent some time this week feeling like I had a broken heart. You know the feeling..... feeling in your gut that you just cant remove, the lump in your throat that your afraid to swallow because if you do, you just might then get sick. Then the tears that just set right at the base of your eyelids that are ready to pour out just at the mention of the person who the mere thought of is creating all this emotion. Yep thats been the raw feelings I have been carrying around for the last several days. I felt like my heart was just broken, till today, I realized it is not broken at all.
This morning as I stood in church listening to the music and worshiping the Lord, the worship team started to sing a song that had the words "You've stolen my heart, oh yes you have" As I sang that song that is refering to the way the Lord steals our heart when we fall in love with him, I realized there are other times in life that certain very special people steal pieces of my heart. I realized that this feeling that I have been walking around with is not that of a broken heart. A broken heart is hurt, suffering, damaged, but for me it is more of a piece of it is just not as close to me as I'd like it to be right now. There is a piece that belongs to one special person and that person is not around like I have been accustomed to and he took that piece with him. Although this can be very sad, it can be a joyful thing as well.
This past week, I helped my 2nd to youngest child Daniel get ready to leave for college. You would think that for as much of a struggle as it was and is, that I sent him off to Japan or something, but hes actually only 1 hour away. :) Yes 1 HOUR. You would also think he was my first child to ever say good bye to... which of course is not the case. Regardless of my experience with letting go or how close he is going to be, things are just not going to be the same, he will be exactly 1 hour further away then my heart would like him to be. He is also the 4th child who has now done this to me and I have the unfortunate knowledge of knowing that one that is running around the house right now pretending to need me is going to do the same exact thing far sooner then I want him to.
I had a new friend tell me this weekend that raising children is a "Lifetime of Letting Go". She is very correct, from the time they are born you are in some way letting go. I remember the first time after coming home from the hospitial with each of my children when I would leave the house and leave my child with their father. I had carried that child in my belly for several months yet now I was headed out the door and leaving him behind...... this was when the Lifetime of Letting Go started for me. So I agree with my new friend that raising children is a Lifetime of Letting Go.
As for this phase in Daniel's life, I realize my heart is not broken, he has simply stolen a piece of it that will never be returned. Would I want it any other way? Do I want to keep him at home and not encourage him along lifes journey? Of course not!! Do I realize how lucky I am to have a child that is healthy and able to go live on his own in a dorm and meet new people? YES DEFINITELY!! Am I thankful that he got above excellent grades that led to scholarships that gave him this opportunity? Again definitely!! Do I think he picked the right college for him? For sure! So all those things that people can tell me as I walk around with a piece of my heart missing, I promise I already know. :) I would not want this to be any other way. But I for now, my heart is just a bit at a loss and has to learn how to function although another piece of it is missing. I say another because of course Tara, Mark and Aaron are all carrying pieces around with them. My parents of course have taken pieces with them and others who are just no longer as close to me physically as I would like for them to be. I am thankful that I have had the pleasure of having so many special people in my life and that my heart is not broken but just pieces of it are stolen. :)
