Stolen Pieces of My Heart

Have you ever had your heart broke?  or worse yet had pieces of it missing because someone captured a part of it so strongly that it goes with them everywhere and they just can't return it?  This thief, the one who stole a piece of your heart probably had no intentions of doing so but they just did it.  In fact they would probably spend a great deal of time trying to glue it back if they thought they could, the reality is they can't, they will have it with them forever. 

I spent some time this week feeling like I had a broken heart.  You know the feeling..... feeling in your gut that you just cant remove, the lump in your throat that your afraid to swallow because if you do, you just might then get sick.  Then the tears that just set right at the base of your eyelids that are ready to pour out just at the mention of the person who the mere thought of is creating all this emotion.  Yep thats been the raw feelings I have been carrying around for the last several days.  I felt like my heart was just broken, till today, I realized it is not broken at all.

This morning as I stood in church listening to the music and worshiping the Lord, the worship team started to sing a song that had the words "You've stolen my heart, oh yes you have"  As I sang that song that is refering to the way the Lord steals our heart when we fall in love with him, I realized there are other times in life that certain very special people steal pieces of my heart.   I realized that this feeling that I have been walking around with is not that of a broken heart.  A broken heart is hurt, suffering, damaged, but for me it is more of a piece of it is just not as close to me as I'd like it to be right now.  There is a piece that belongs to one special person and that person is not around like I have been accustomed to and he took that piece with him.  Although this can be very sad, it can be a joyful thing as well. 

This past week, I helped my 2nd to youngest child Daniel get ready to leave for college.   You would think that for as much of a struggle as it was and is, that I sent him off to Japan or something, but hes actually only 1 hour away.  :)  Yes 1 HOUR.   You would also think he was my first child to ever say good bye to... which of course is not the case.  Regardless of my experience with letting go or how close he is going to be, things are just not going to be the same, he will be exactly 1 hour further away then my heart would like him to be.  He is also the 4th child who has now done this to me and I have the unfortunate knowledge of knowing that one that is running around the house right now pretending to need me is going to do the same exact thing far sooner then I want him to. 

I had a new friend tell me this weekend that raising children is a "Lifetime of Letting Go".  She is very correct, from the time they are born you are in some way letting go.  I remember the first time after coming home from the hospitial with each of my children when I would leave the house and leave my child with their father.  I had carried that child in my belly for several months yet now I was headed out the door and leaving him behind...... this was when the Lifetime of Letting Go started for me.  So I agree with my new friend that raising children is a Lifetime of Letting Go. 

As for this phase in Daniel's life, I realize my heart is not broken, he has simply stolen a piece of it that will never be returned.   Would I want it any other way?  Do I want to keep him at home and not encourage him along lifes journey?  Of course not!!  Do I realize how lucky I am to have a child that is healthy and able to go live on his own in a dorm and meet new people?  YES DEFINITELY!!  Am I thankful that he got above excellent grades that led to scholarships that gave him this opportunity?  Again definitely!!  Do I think he picked the right college for him?  For sure!  So all those things that people can tell me as I walk around with a piece of my heart missing, I promise I already know.  :)   I would not want this to be any other way.  But I for now, my heart is just a bit at a loss and has to learn how to function although another piece of it is missing. I say another because of course Tara, Mark and Aaron are all carrying pieces around with them.  My parents of course have taken pieces with them and others who are just no longer as close to me physically as I would like for them to be.  I am thankful that I have had the pleasure of having so many special people in my life and that  my heart is not broken but just pieces of it are stolen.  :)

Don't let disappointment be an excuse.

While talking to a friend today, we briefly touched on the subject of how often times people give God 'credit' for the times in their life they were disappointed by Christians.  Its true.  How many times have you heard someone say "I don't go to church because I havent found one that really practices what they preach" or "I havent found a REAL church yet" or the one that really makes me cringe "I am not going to go to church because I know a Christian who doesnt live the way they should"   Don't get me wrong....... I know plenty of people who dont go to church simply because they don't want to.  They don't blame in on the "church' for why they aren't there in worship being fed Gods word........ they just don't want to go to church so they don't.    That is a whole different blog but this one is refering to those who come right out and say they aren't going to church because they have been wronged by a Christian at some point in their life, or they dont trust the church, etc.    I just want to ask those people who feel that way to love those people in the church, the way Jesus loves you, and forgive them for disappointing you.  Don't let people disappointing you keep you from what God has planned for you.  I do know that you can worship God at home, you can pray at home, etc.  But a certain growth happens when you attend a healthy church that simply does not usually happen if you are not truly spending time in worship and the word among other believers.  Belonging to a church body is part of what God has planned for us.  As a Christian I KNOW I have disappointed believers and non believers and I want to apologize for that and ask that no one ever use that as a reason to stay out of church.  You see I am not a hypocrite, but I am sinner.  A sinner who seeks God's wisdom and ask God to show me the direction away from that sin.  Sometimes God has to reach down and point me in a new direction several times before I leave that path of sin..... and sometimes I tend to find my way back there even though I have no intention or desire to be there.    I do truly love the Lord and I do truly try to honor God by loving others and admittedly some of you make that easier then others.  :)  BUT my point to this is simply to ask you to forgive those who have hurt you in the church and never stop seeking to find that church that you can grow in along with other believers.  In my past 14 years as a CHRISTian I can honestly tell you that some of my most rewarding times in life were those spent in the church and with my church family.  I don't think every church is right for everybody, but I do believe everybody has a place in the church.  I pray you find yours. 

Thankful That I Can Pray!!

Have you ever noticed how excited people get about something that is yet to come.
Yet they sit in the moment letting time slide by while nothing at all is done.
Think if we looked ahead at every hour and planned things for our day.
Not allowing a minute to go by in waste even it is to be on our knees and pray.

Have you ever known a friend is hurting but they never turned to you?
Like when we want everything to change but telling God is the last thing we do.
We complain and we gripe that things never seem to go our way.
But do we ever truly get down on our knees and pray?

The power or prayer is as strong as a what ice crystals are clear.
The truth is we don't ask at times because it is the answer that we fear.
A man prays for patience and then his children have him learning it all day.
Maybe its these times of frustration that we should truly be on our knees and pray.

Thank you dear God for children that can run all throughout my house.
Thank you dear God that they are healthy enough to run scream and shout.
Thank you dear God that my life is so full that it is causing all of my hairs to turn gray.
Thank you dear God that I have the ability to get down on my knees and pray.

It really really does

Obviously I have decided to blog...... and as I sat and pondered what I most am interested in blogging about, I decided its about the fact that Life Happens........ and it really does.  As long as your here....on this earth that is...... life is gonna happen.

At 41 years old, married twice, divorced ONCE, 5 children (3 gifted to me biologically and 2 gifted to me with my marriage) survivor of a broken neck, the only living parent or grandparent is a stepfather whom although I adore he just isn't real active in my life, hardships and triumps and not truly knowing God till my late 20s,  I think I have a bit to blog about. 

Let me tell you a bit more about myself.  I grew up in a divorced home.  I think by the time I was 12, I had lived in 20 plus houses and been to more then a half dozen schools and some twice.  I made that tough tough decision at 12 to move from one parents house to another.  Not because I loved one more then the other, more probably because of that need to have that relationship with my mother that every little girl desires to have.  By the time I was 12 so many things had happened in my life that someday I might touch on but to sum it up I always believed my parents did the best with what they had.  My childhood was much different then that of my children.  Was I less love?  Not a chance!  Was I less attended to?  Yes probably!  O.K. fine DEFINITELY!!  Life was different back then, it just wasnt the same, but it did happen.  Life that is, because as we know Life Happens. 

When I look back into my childhood I like to look for all things that made me smile.  There were few things in my childhood that I absolutely without a doubt knew I could count on.  Those things I still cherish today.  One of those things was my older sister she is 2 years 2 months my elder, despite what she may want to make you believe.  If I moved to a new school and was going to have to face the tirade of bullies after school as walking into some of the less desireable neighborhoods, I always, always, knew my sister had my back.  If was going to spend the entire day at a laundromat doing our families laundry at the age of 9 or 10 I always, always knew my sister would be right there with me.  If I was going to sit up late at night wondering when my dad was going to be home from work, I always knew my sister would be right there with me.   She is the one person in my life from the earliest age I can remember right up till tonight as I start this new adventure of blogging........... that she will always..... as long as God is willing to allow it........ she will be there for me. 

I guess I don't know if everyone has that 1 person.  That one solid person throughout their life...... that they just always know....... no matter what road in life that other person is on, that they would always jump off their path to help you find your way along yours.   For me..... its all I have ever known.....that is having that one person back as far as I can remember that was just always a constant, despite the trials that life brought my way.  I am also fortunate enough to be able to say others have joined her along the way, in becoming one of those persons you just KNOW will be there for you.   I pray for everyone to have those people in their lives.  Although without them, Life still Happens, it does make the journey a bit better.  I realize that I have so much I'd like to blog about......so much that matters...... but as this late night is turning to morning, I probably better let it wait for another day. 
Good Night!!