Page 211

I have a friend named Heather Weber.  We attend the same church, in fact she is an Associate Pastor at our church.  If I can be real with you...... isn't that what blogs are for?  I have always found Heather to be an interesting person, someone I enjoy visiting with, learning from, sharing with.    Its interesting to me that we are so different yet so much alike.  We all know people that we just know if our lives intersect and we get the chance to spend even a bit of time with them, we will walk away changed.  For me Heather is one of those people.  I find her matter of fact yet nurturing spirit to be one I am easily drawn to. 

Heather told me awhile back about the book she had in the works and I have been excited to read it.   Her book is called Dear Boy and its a Memoir.  I planned to get her book at her book signing this coming Friday but then realized I will be at my sons school, decorating for a show choir event.  Bummed I'd miss the event but eager to read the book I got my book from Heather yesterday.  For me personally I knew it was a book I'd have to sit down with and commit myself to it because I wouldn't want to walk away from it.  I knew the book was about losing her brother among other things.  I myself having lost a brother just recently, I knew the book would touch me. 

I finished the book today, I am forever changed by it.  It opened some issues up for me that I have buried somewhere deep within me.  Today being a snow day...(actually a too cold to go to school day), I was curled up on the couch with this book and my son was busy with his own thing in another room.   My son came into the room to find me in tears, actually sobbing, he was of course concerned and asked if I was ok.  I told him it was the book and the way it was touching me.  He responded "Well maybe you shouldn't read the book"  :)  Typical of a 17 year old young man heh? "Lets not bother with things that cause us any emotional discomfort."  :)  Bless his heart!!   I told him, "Actually this book is EXACTLY what I need"  You see my brother died just a little short of 11 months ago.  His death came 2 months after a very dear and cherished friend died from injuries in a car accident.  She was in the hospital for 2 months, we prayed, we hoped, we eventually had to say Good Bye.  I never told my brother Good Bye because he died suddenly many, many miles away.  His death was so painful and retching that I actually buried it deep within me and have just stayed focused on my dear friend Kathy.   I have been mourning the loss of Kathy for just over a year, burying my brothers death deep because its to much to handle both.  I have some work to do.  I have to try to allow myself to mourn.  Page 211 of Dear Boy was like my heart opened up and a flood of pain came rushing out.  I stopped reading because I couldn't even see the page not even a fourth of the way thru it, I collected myself and tried again.... again I couldn't get to far before the pain flooded over me.   I put the book down and went back to it at least 6 to 7 times before I could read page 211.  Page 211 is the beginning of something I have been putting off for almost 11 months.  It hurts so bad to even scratch the surface of how to release what I locked away on the evening of February 11, 2013 while making that long straight thru trip to Florida where my oldest brother died.   I locked his death away, so deep that it really wasn't till Page 211 that I could admit to myself it is buried somewhere deep within me and it truly needs to be dealt with.... and that has begun.